The Voice of Ms. Yourgrave

It's been a while since I've been able to write in this thing here, so I will share with you some quick updates.

The regular school year is over, a relief indubitably. Although I am still enrolled in one summer course (The Social History of Rock and Roll) the load has definitely been lessened.

I've had a few family traumas in the past couple of weeks, but things are calming down and for the most part all is well. School is going well, family life is going well, as are things with the social life. When it rains it pours as the cliche goes, but shortly after the storm is over a resting layer of calm sets in and everything is okay until the next storm rolls in.

As life goes.

Reconciliation, love, and afflictions are the themes as of late.

Reunited with a friend fallen on bad terms.

Spending time with my boyfriend and my younger siblings has filled me with more love than I've felt in what feels like a year.

I've also been putting some serious thought into what college I want to go to after my time's up at IPFW. I have a few months yet to decide, but the decision making process is more daunting than college itself.

Anyhow, things are alright.

As they are things, however, and 'things have a tendency to change' as the kids say, we'll see if the alright things move to spectacular.

She's Got A Dying Urge To Feel The Way You Do

So she's had a rough week. I've seen it, she's strong. Getting stronger by the minute.

The weaknesses she does have, however, could possibly be the death of her.

She's been drinking. Not viciously, not terribly much, but it is habit forming.

Her grandmother had heart surgery earlier this week. She said that she sounded fine, but with these things you can never be too sure.

Her step brother was found dead in a park.

She's shocked, appalled, lost.

I know they were not terribly close, but still. When he was around... they were family. And I think that's what she needs right now.

You know... it's been a boring mess watching her before this. She was lolling about, doing her routines.

This though... it's interesting. I almost take pleasure in her pain. Is that wrong? Am I sick?

I don't know. The culmination of all of these events in such a short time gets me rolling. I want more. I want real life tragedy laced with racing nonsense emotions.

It gets me high.

Anyway... enough of my dwelling on her pain.

More next time.

She's Got So Far To Go

She's getting ready for work now. Five more days until her vacation. She needs it.

I watched her at work on Tuesday and wow... let me tell you. Her co-workers are FUCKED UP!

This large, bald whiny gentleman was working with her on Tuesday. He has a very generic name, what was it... Tom? Bob? John? Eh, not that it matters anyway.

So this ratty looking gentleman walks in, and from what I hear he looks similar to a homeless guy who comes in always harassing the customers for change and to use their cell phones. Her store manager had made orders that this man was not allowed in the store and the other managers were instructed to ask him to leave upon his arrival.

Fair enough.

He came up to the counter, asked her manager to change out a dollar, and he instructed the vagrant to leave.

This was not the same vagrant.

Tom...Bob... John...whatever... apologized to the gentleman and proceeded to change out the dollar. For the rest of the night, however, she suffered with his misunderstanding and pondered for the rest of the night about "oh no, what if they think I'm a racist."

I know she did not have the scrote to say something about this but I understand why. Her working situation is already awkward enough. Let alone feeding the fire of an insecure 34 year old man who, instead of facing his problems, would rather stand behind the counter, crying, in fear of being considered a racist.

An exchange of comments flowed between she and Tom... Bob... John... whatever, leading to him claiming that "she doesn't know guilt" (where she replied quite hastily and without consideration [not that she feels bad about it]) and he also started giving her grief about her depression issues and such... I could tell that she was hurt.

I can tell that the girl needs out of that place.

Eh... It makes for interesting stories on my part, I guess.

Hah.

Have a good day.

She's Unavailable

She's drinking.  Again.

This time, however, she's socialized and accompanied.

Thank god.

Anyway, quick post here.

I just needed to let everyone know what she's up to.

I don't think she knows which way is up.

Unfortunate.

Such a brilliant mind, I think she's wasting it.

Unfortunate.

Unfortunate.

Unfortunate.

She's got hell to pay.

She's Lost It All

So she was pulled over Saturday night. She was afraid this would happen.

She let her plates expire, despite warnings from her mother, father, and friends. She knew, fully, what would happen.

The officer took her license, registration, and proof of insurance, standard procedure. She and her love proceeded to wait in the decepticar for thirty minutes, at least, only to hear the officer announce that the two of them had to collect their important belongings from the vehicle and exit the car, preparation for towing the vehicle to an impounding facility.

She was shocked, frightened, unknowing, especially when the officer told her that her license has been suspended since early September.

No.

How?

Why in the hell?

Her insurance agent did not do his job, he led her on telling her that everything was going to be fine, that he'd take care of everything.

He didn't.

So here she sits, two tickets summing up her pay for the week, car in impound, and a father that won't help her in the least.

She's leaving soon, I think her dad knows that. I don't know her father all that well but I'm assuming he has no clue about what goes on in her daughter's head. She's in pain, sir, and you're not helping.

Her mother and grandmother have been very supportive though, and for that I know she is grateful.

She'll have more to say about the situation soon, but for now she's gathering up her thoughts.

More soon, she promises.

Facelift Via Alcohol

So she hit a rought spot a bit ago, she also apologizes for the lack of writing in the blog space or otherwise. She meant to write you, she really did.

She's working things out in her head right now. Stability is re-entering her life. She hit the brakes on things flourishing in reverse.

She drank last Thursday, and she hates to say this but it made many of the aspects of her life better. She is more relaxed, more self aware, more confident, and most importantly more secure. Her and her man have an understanding now. They're working things out, and that's okay.

She's also doing well in school, work, and all of the other aspects of her life. She's just ready to call it quits with retail. Unlike her love life, she and retail are just about splitsville. At least she wants to be. But they've been together such a long time, it would be hard. No. That's a lie. Think of a husband beating the shit out of you for years on end then you finally have the balls to stand up to him. That's how her and retail will end. A bright flash of sarcastic brilliance and an epic exit that all will remember.

She will burst through those doors, two week notice in hand, hand it off and be elated for the fact that she knows there will only be two more weeks left of this hell, this nightmare, this cash droor, and register.

So this is the part where she wanted me to say goodnight and good luck, but I'll leave that to Ed Murrow.

Let me re-word this for her:

Peace. Sleep well. Dream about your loved ones. And enjoy your cereal in the morning.

Over and out.

Provided I Haven't Completely Lost Yet.....

So things are beginning to look up. Both of my jobs are giving me somewhat desirable amounts of hours, however working double shifts equaling out to thirteen hour days or more is starting to wear me thin. It's all good though, because a new job prospect has come up and it looks somewhat promising.

I had to recently bite the credit card bullet, however this entails some good things as well. I will be able to get my car fixed and working to its full potential without completely breaking my bank, I will be able to build some credit so getting student loans will be easier in the long run, and it will give me a lesson or two in managing money. It's a promising little endeavor. I'm smart enough with my finances that I don't foresee any problematic issues coming to a head.

With spring nearing other exciting developments are approaching as well. Spring break will be a much needed breather, St. Patrick's day is always fun, Josh's birthday, Chris's birthday, Aaron's birthday, End of spring semester, beginning of summer session 1, Tom Petty on 4th of july weekend, LOLLAPALOOZA!!!!! (which I'm pretty sure we're going to being that it doesn't interfere with Radiohead), and just summer in general.

Surely with the developments as of late I will soon be out of the stoop that I'm in now.

Life is good. For now.

Slacking with Reason

So I sit.. I wait.. I think.

I have no idea which way is up anymore. I walk over to the window, look outside at the hazed over stars, turn back around, and sit. And wait. And think.

A break? Are you serious? For real?

Some time to prepare, yes, much needed prep time. Prepping my week-long journey of sleepless nights, senseless tossing and turning, and sorrow laden structure. I need a breather.

Withdrawn, misconstrued, and otherwise just plain lost.

My mind is all over the place.

Sitting In Her Nowhere Land

So I guess with the blogging returns the bitching. But with the week I've had, I really think that I deserve it.

The world is not at my command.
Not today anyhow.

I've been without my vehicle, my precious decepticar, for almost a week now. The gas line is frozen and it has not been nearly warm enough to get the beast roaring again.

I'm so broke it's not even funny, and if my car troubles turn out to not be gas line issues then I am going to remain just as broke with car maintenance costs.

My step mom's uncle just died. I feel for her, really. The man was a cool motherfucker, so much pep. However, not to sound insensitive, with the whole family leaving tomorrow for the funeral I have no parental units to rely on for transportation for the duration of the weekend. I can't afford to miss any work. It really seems like every time I have car issues they are out of town.

My aunt is dying. She's in total denial about it, hasn't told anyone... not even her own daughters. With every shell of information that comes up about the issue more tears are shed simply for our lack of the knowledge of the severity and the lack of knowledge that we all have about her condition. We know she has cancer that started in her lungs and has progressed through her entire body... however we have no time frame for her remaining time, we have no information regarding whether or not she will become incapacitated, and the whole thing is a messy, teary wreck. She needs to start making decisions before she loses the ability to.

And on top of it all... the day is Valentine's Day... my least favorite day of the year. Not because I am single because that's far from the truth, but because I think it is the most ridiculous excuse to do something nice for somebody. Do it any other fucking day of the year.

I have a feeling I'm going to need a shoulder really, really soon here.

J With My Foot Up His Ass

My boyfriend sucks.

Go to 'J On Your Face'

Be sure to let him know how awful he is.

Thanks <3

The Return

Since I quit tending to my myspace account, my passion for blogging has long subsided. However, with the discovery of this neat little site my urge has been reignited.

I'm pissed off.

Right now I am working on a persuasive speech about violence in the media (all sorts, not just video games) and it bothers me to think about how many people ignore the facts about studies around this issue.

1) The media we take in is purely choice. If you don't want to watch gun slinging badasses on fox, the turn on the fucking discovery channel.

2) Studies show that violent media stimulates an organ in the brain called the amygdala, an organ in the lymbic system that controls fighting, feeding, fleeing, and fucking. How about we pay attention to the other triggers the amygdala controls other then fighting.

3) Parental units need to stop blaming society's problems on the media and start pointing the finger at themselves.

4) If you don't want your kid getting a hold of violent video games, don't shell out 60 dollars to purchase them Manhunt 2 or Grand Theft Auto. Parents can act as a filter in deciding what's appropriate and what truly isn't.

I hope that my presentation can come off as sharp tongued as this.

Anyway, look for more rants to come. For now, I must away.